New Jersey- With much of the worlds attention focusing on the brutal killing of famed Cecil the Lion, a blind eye continues to be turned to the person or persons who killed Tony the Giraffe who was the beloved star of Six Flags Great Adventure safari. Tony was senselessly killed last May when an unknown motorist ran directly into the left shinbone of the Giraffe. The motorist fled from the scene. The shinbone is the most important bone in the Giraffe’s Skeletal system according to veterinarians. It’s where the animals staggering height derives from said one expert. Tony’s wound became infected and he died two weeks later from his injuries. During those two weeks vigils were held for the recovery of the beloved Giraffe. The news shocked many including Former ‘Late Show’ Host David Letterman.Letterman bid a tearful farewell to Tony during his final episode in May, but it was cut from the broadcast due to time restraints. New Jersey Governor and Presidential candidate Chris Christie is shocked that the National media has turned a blind eye to the catastrophe that has occurred in his state. Christie has vowed to go on hunger strike until progress is made on the case, albeit a modified hunger strike, Christie says that he will be skipping his second dinner until justice is served.
The 2016 Presidential race is heating up both figuratively and literally. The top Candidates from both parties are looking for new fun and engaging ways to get supporters and possible voters engaged in their respective campaigns. President Obama started this trend in 2012 when he started given supports to have “Dinner with the President” now Americans can enter to play a round of golf with Marco Rubio, Dance Salsa with Jeb Bush and even chase Mexicans from the border with Donald Trump. Those offers from the candidates have been met with excitement but that does not compare to what the Hilary Clinton campaign has to offer. In the spirit of brotherhood and community the Hilary 2016 team has launched “Win a trip to a sex party with Hilary contest.” Clinton spokeswoman Jennifer Hart said that this is something Hilary has wanted to do for her supporters for a long time. “Secretary Clinton has always known that her successes in life has been due to her supporters who have carried her on their shoulders, it’s now time for her to give back and carry them to bed.” The lucky contest winner will have them and their partner flown to the Clinton’s home in Chappaqua New York where they will engage in a full or soft swap with Hilary, President Bill Clinton and their closet friends. Choice of lubricants and toys are up to the winner but President Clinton reserves the right to use cigars at any moment of the engagement.
Harvard University- Scientists from Harvard University School of research has solved an age-old question. Who are politicians pointing at during rallies? Most Americans are familiar with politicians pointing during their entrances and exits. For years people were baffled. Today the question has been answered. Scientists has found out that they are pointing at one man. 76-year-old Stan Meltz of Effort Pennsylvania. Meltz is a political rally enthusiasts and has been going to rallies since they became popular in the Mid 70’s Meltz still remembers the first time he ever pointed at a politician. It was during the 1976 Presidential campaign, Meltz went to a rally for then Georgia Governor Jimmy Carter. “I went to the rally in ’76 and when Carter came out I just had the urge to point at him. He saw me and pointed back. That’s how it all started. Meltz would go on to say that the gesture from Carter made him “Feel important” Meltz was moved by the experience he went to a rally for President Ford later that month and for Meltz Lightning struck twice. “I was riding pretty high at the time coming off the Carter point, but I didn’t think President Ford would ever point at me but I was wrong. After Pearl Bailey introduced the President he came out and I pointed and he pointed back!” This sent Meltz on what would become his life’s purpose. He quit his job and hit the road. Meltz turned pointed at politicians his job. He went to every political rally there was. Presidential, Congressional, even city council. Meltz funds his travels by posing as a homeless man asking for money for food in every town he travels to. “The Point” as it’s known in the political world has changed the game. Laws have even been passed to ensure that Meltz is always on hand. Pointers Law which passed in 1992 requires every political rally to be held at least 8 hours apart so Meltz has time to get to the next rally. “Pointers law has really helped me. The politicians all look forward to seeing me and pointing at me I would hate to not be there for them” Meltz was asked which party does he support Democrat or Republican “I’m not even registered to vote” was Meltz’s response
With the recent scandal surrounding Subway spokesman Jared Fogle floating about, it started to bring back memories of a simpler time. A time where TV wasn’t dissected in every imaginable facet. A time where shows were allowed to be shows. It’s been 7 long years since Dateline NBC graced our television screens with breakout hit To Catch a Predator. When the program debuted in the fall of 2004 it gave a new wrinkle to the investigation show format, and the result was TV history. For the first time ever would be pedophiles would be lured to a house and arrested for attempting to sleep with minors. The show was shocking, intense and a success. NBC had a bonafide hit on their hands until a guy that they attempted to bust killed himself in his own home while camera crews were waiting outside…yeah look it up. I told you it was intense. It is certainly not the intent of this author to make light of anyone’s death, I am merely pointing out that aside from that incident the show was pretty entertaining, and an unsuspecting source for comedy. Again not making light of pedophilia. I will go through the funny and quirky aspects of an interesting show. Okay I think I have place enough legal disclaimers on this article to satisfy our legal team…wait do we have a legal team? Can anyone get back to me on this? So let’s no take a look at the Unsung Heroes of To Catch a Predator.
Anyone who knows anything about television production knows that and shoot lives and dies by the sound. You need great sound quality on a big time network show. To Catch a Predator had this on lock. They had the strongest Boom Mic game in town. After the pretentious host, who we will get to later; would make the big reveal and tell some middle-aged pervert he was on camera for the world to see, a man with one of the biggest Boom Mic you’ve ever seen would come dead center and hover over said pervert to record any poorly though out defense he could think of. This changed the game. Aside from holding the mic, the Boom operator has one job. Do not be seen! To Catch a Predator became the first show to actually give the Boom guy some spotlight, and it was refreshing! To Catch a Predator has inspired the next generation of great Boom Mic operators.
To Catch a Predator was known for many things, fine investigative reporting, gritty storytelling and the most delicious looking cookies this side of Ms. Fields Bakeshop. For those who haven’t seen the show, the Pompous host who I will get to later would have a conversation with the would-be pedophile over a table which was usually adorned with mouthwatering cookies… You know to make the pedophile feel more at ease I guess. These cookies were so good one perpetrator commented with great joy and surprise “These Cookies are fresh-baked!” After his mini interrogation was over the man delivered what was probably the greatest line in the shows history. “I don’t even want this cookie anymore” Those must have been some cookies that make a man forget about pending pedophilia charges. Don’t even get me started on the frozen Lemonade they had during the summer months.
Any good sting operation starts and ends with good decoys. Predator had that down pat. The Show would hire 18-year-old actors to play 14-year-old children and lure suspects into the house. These actors really look the part, NBC did a good job, they used men and women that looked young enough to be teenagers. The decoys had pone job, lull the would-be perpetrators into a false sense of security until the self-absorbed host, who I will get to later was ready to make his grand entrance. The best part were the things the decoys would say to these pedophiles. They would really did not put the “coy” in decoy they would say things like “I’m going upstairs to put on my bra and panties!” Who speaks like this? And it worked Every time.
Perverted Justice was the “Watchdog group” who in conjunction with NBC, would orchestrate the investigation. The group would have its members pose as minors in chat rooms and wait to get contacted by adults. I know the idea was to catch perverts, but the word perverted cannot be the first name of your business. That business loan application must have really been fun to hand in. “The name of your group is what? and you do what?”
Say whatever you want about me but I keep my promises. We finally get to the number one “Hero” on our list. Host Chris Hansen. Chris Hansen is a serious no-nonsense Journalist he is also Pompous, pretentious, self-absorbed and many other pejorative adjective one can think of. Now I understand how why Mr. Hansen would be on his high horse, he was conducting an investigation where he would interview pedophiles, but Hansen just seemed to enjoy this part of his job a little too much. He would come in cavalier like and become America’s Moral compass. The worst/best part was after the success of the first few seasons, Hansen would ask “Do you know who I am?” Who the hell are you? A wannabe Stone Phillips that’s who. If you looked closely you could see that Hansen would get a little irked when the men would admit to not knowing who he was. He would usually follow-up with “Do you watch NBC” What show was on?Seinfeld? South Park even picked up on his douchiness. The episode was epic. If anything comes from this article watch that South Park Episode! So there you have it.
So there were many others that deserved to be on this list like the undercover police officer disguised as a bush who would tackle the perverts as the left the house. I told you this show was innovative.
What has been long suspected by the Pentagon has finally been confirmed; Slurpee Day has turned Out To Be Terrorist Plot. July 11th or (7/11) or “Slurpee Day” as it’s more commonly known as, is in fact a low-level terrorist plot. The Slurpee was invented by Omar Kendlik in the late 1950s. After Kendlik’s death in 1989 the FBI says that the Slurpee recipe feel into the hands of domestic a terrorist group from Ohio. The group known as “Cerebrum Frigidum” which is translated to “Brain Freeze”. The group bought a controlling interest in Slurpee stock and used their new-found influence for evil. There plan was simple. Increase the amount of Brain Freeze elements in Slurpees. The group knew that an increase in Brian Freeze over decades would render Americans incoherently stupid leading to the downfall of the country, especially if mass quantities of Slurpee were consumed in one day. That’s where 7/11 was born. 7-11 stores were the perfect place to push this debilitating confection. The mind altering effect of Slurpee are powerful, even when one has not consumed any, just the thoughts of it are dangerous according to Pentagon Officials.
Actress Kristin Chenoweth was a victim of Slurpee day in what has come to be known as the “Slurpee Day Massacre” The Broadway star was knocked unconscious by a falling light rig while she was filming in Brooklyn, NY. In Chenoweth’s recount of the story to Jay Leno it was revealed that Petite Soprano was “Waiting for shooting to be over so she could get her free Slurpee because it was Free Slurpee Day” Assistant FBI Terrorist Liaison Williams Jones says “What more proof do you need?” The high level FBI official goes on to say “We’ve known for years that Slurpee’s were dangerous and know the world knows” Jones also said that the attack on Ms. Chenoweth hit especially close to home because he bought tickets to see the Star in “Wicked” for he and his wife’s anniversary. Ms. Chenoweth could not perform due to her injuries. “Completely ruined our night and we divorced shortly after” Jones would later clarify that the divorce was due to the fact that he was cheating on his wife with her cousin. According to him seeing Chenoweth in “Wicked” wouldn’t have saved the marriage but it would have bought them a few more months as Jones put it. “Her voice is just that good” The effects of Slurpee Day continue to plague this Nation.
Washington- Congress has dealt with many serious issues over the last few years but none more serious than the current Bill congress is currently debating. Since 1931 The Star Spangled Banner” has been the National Anthem of the United States, but many feel 15 years into the 21st Century it’s finally time for a new song to represent the land of the free. Freedom is a big part of American story so why not pick a song that deals with the opposite of that virtue some ask, that’s where “Criminal” by Fiona Apple comes in. Congressman Jeff Barker said “We want to show people and especially newcomers to this country what happens if you break the laws of our land, what would you feel like? A Criminal that’s what” What song better expresses that sentiment than the 1997 pop Ballard. The lyrics are haunting and truly express how the US felt after breaking away from Great Britain said congresswoman Sarah Sharpe. Here are the lyrics in question “I’ve been a bad, bad girl…I’ve been careless with a delicate man…And it’s a sad, sad world…When a girl will break a boy Just because she can” “Truly haunting” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. Not everyone in Congress is happy about the choice of song. Florida Congressman Ben Lawson is one of the opponents of the song becoming the new National Anthem “Don’t get me wrong it’s a great song, but it’s just not right for the National Anthem. We need an Anthem that is easy for someone to sing at baseball game. I’m not sure many performers have the soulful range to do Ms. Apple Justice.” As a compromise Lawson has proposed two suitable replacement songs, “America the Beautiful” or The “Thong Song” by Sisqó.
Havana- President Obama shocked millions in the US and Cuba when he announced that the U.S. Embassy in Cuba would reopen within the next month. This bridge to normal Cuban-U. S. relations is something that people in Havana have been waiting decades for. However there is something Cubans have wanted more than diplomatic relations; Starbucks Coffee. The American coffee giant has gained many fans worldwide but none more fervent than the Cubans. It had been a mystery how Cubans even found out about Starbucks but it looks like the information came from none other than Cuban President Raúl Castro. On a diplomatic trip to Canada 3 years ago the Cuban leader was treated to an Iced Espresso Caramel Macchiato Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. After tasting the drink Castro was quoted as telling Harper “If I have ever truly experienced joy in my life it is at this moment. What is this enchanting Ambrosia of the Gods?”Harper said “It’s from America, it’s Starbucks”. After that encounter President Castro made Starbucks references in all of his speeches and public addresses. Jose Lopez a Cuban cigar factory worker told us about his intrigue with Starbucks. “When our beloved President came back from Canada he was a changed man. We all wondered what has happened to our leader. There was only one word on his lips ‘Macchiato’ we were all confused. What is this Macchiato? Is it a new Japanese car? When we finally found out it was like a dream” Lopez later went on to say that Cubans knew about Coffee, they also knew about Ice but Ice and coffee together was thought to be only some that existed in fantasy which seems to be the general consensus on the Island. Democracy if fine but Iced Coffee is better.
NBA star LeBron James has been at the center of numerous Free Agency rumors since opting out of his contract last month with most experts agreeing that the former MVP will re-sign with Hometown Cleveland. However that notion was put to rest today when James announced that he will not only play for Cleveland he will play for every NBA team. This unprecedented move has been called everything from foolish to enterprising. NBA commissioner Adam Silver is elated over James Decision. In a statement released last night Silver stated “I am overjoyed that LeBron James will play for all 30 NBA teams this upcoming season. This innovative approach to free agency will propel the NBA to be the sports league of the future.” Many analysts seemed puzzled over how this could possibly play out but the President of NBA Logistics Jim Charles shed some much-needed light on how James will successfully achieve this. “It all boils down to Simple math. There are 82 games in a season and 30 teams. 82 divided by 30 is 2.7 so James will play 2.7 games with each team.”James will play 2 full games with each team then be available to play 34 out of 48 minutes of a 3rd game before moving on to his next team.” King James expressed his excitement over his decision to reporters. “I am very happy to be a member of the Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Charlotte Hornets, Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Pistons ,Golden State Warriors, Houston Rockets, Indiana Pacers LA Clippers ,LA Lakers,Memphis Grizzlies, Miami Heat, Milwaukee Bucks, Minnesota Timberwolves, Brooklyn Nets, New Orleans Pelicans ,New York Knicks, Oklahoma City Thunder,Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76Sixers, Phoenix Suns, Portland Trail Blazers, Sacramento Kings,San Antonio Spurs Toronto Raptors,Utah Jazz,Washington Wizards and my hometown Cleveland Cavaliers!” James went on to say “It’s every mans dream to play for an NBA team. It’s every indecisive mans dream to play for every NBA team and now that dream has become a reality” As far as the postseason, James has the option to play with any playoff team he likes he can even make a new team composed of any 12 players James choice. As per NBA regulations this new LeBron super team would represent the city of Sioux City Iowa.
WASHINGTON – The Department of Ratings Tabulation has finally approved a long-awaited reform to the Presidential Approval Rating system. Approval Ratings have been tabulated in percentage of randomly polled people. Starting next week that will change, for the first time in US history, Presidential Approval Ratings will be measured by Gold Stickers. The same way Merit is measured by in Elementary school is now the way Presidential Approval Ratings will be measured. This has been something that many have lobbied for including former President George W. Bush. The Former Commander-in-Chief said in a statement “Today is a glorious day. Our democracy has become one step closer to being more accessible to the everyday American, now The President is held to the same standard as kids in grade school and I think that’s important” The new system for the first time offers an incentive for high praise. If a President gets a total of 60 or more gold stickers in any economic quarter, then a Pizza party will be held in the Oval Office in that Presidents honor. Officials say that the President will be allowed to invite 15 friends to the party including cabinet members. The level of excitement can be felt all around Washington as the Presidential race heats up. Republican Presidential candidate Jeb Bush was among those excited. At a rally he was quoted as saying “When my brother left office his approval rating was 34% and that made him sad, if it were 34 gold stickers that would have made him happy. My brother loves stickers”
Embattled Presidential candidate Donald Trump was dealt a sobering blow today when he found out that “New Mexico is actually a US State. In a statement a somber Trump said “How could this happen? It’s bad enough we’re letting them into our country we are now letting them become states?” According to one close Trump Sources the controversial billionaire he always thought New Mexico was part of Mexico. “Like Cancun he thought it just a place where Americans go to get drunk and pretend they’re rich, we all did”. Trump vowed that he would right this egregious wrong when he is elected President. The Former reality TV show star said that New Mexico will have a new name under a Trump administration. While Trump did not say officially what he would rename the state those close to the Billionaire said “New Trump Taj Mahal Casino” is in the running, as Trump calls it. “A good American name”