AREA MAN TO BECOME ACCOUNTANT; FAMILY AND FRIENDS DEVASTATED

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Everyone has a dreams, your father has dreams your mother has dreams, Martin Luther King even had a few. We all have dreams. Larry Marvin of Stamford Connecticut has a dream. He wants to be an Accountant. “I’ve always loved numbers. I think it was ‘Sesame Street’.The letter of the day never really did anything for me, but that number of the day was like my crack! I was addicted. Marvin says his career aspirations have drawn a lot of criticism from friends and family.“My parents are really disappointed in me. They always thought their son would do something more practical with his life, like become a professional athlete, a rock star, or even a Stand up comedian; you know the normal jobs. It got so bad I had to hide the fact that I was going to college from my folks. When they would ask where I was going after I got up every morning, I would tell them I was selling Meth to the high school kids. That eased their minds for a while but one day my mom came home early and instead of finding me counting my profits I was counting obtuse angles for my math midterms. She was devastated. When my dad came home he almost threw me out of the house. It was more than just lying about school he was upset about. He already told his boss that I could hook him up with some cheap wholesale drugs for his upcoming weekend in Vegas”. Marvin later said that even though his friends and family are not supportive of his decision, he is still going to become an accountant.”I was born to be an accountant. My name is Larry Marvin, what the hell else could I be? If that’s not an accountant’s name I don’t know what is.

Pretending To Be A Feminist For Sex Working Out For Area Man

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New York- Much has been said about the “Topless Painted Women” in Time Square. Three women have been standing at the “Crossroads of the World” topless and allowing people to paint their semi nude bodies. This has become a controversial subject in New York and is quickly spreading around the country. New York Mayor Bill De Blasio has called for a “crackdown” on this type of entertainment which the Mayor deems inappropriate; many feminist have blasted the mayor for what they see is a misogynistic attack on personal expressions. There are only one group of winners in this situation. The men who are pretending to be feminist to have sex with women or as they like to be called “Preminist” (Pretend Feminist). David Bliss a proud Preminist and student at Pace University in New York has really been reaping the benefits of false feminism for over a year now and he was more than happy to share some of his experiences. “This Topless Painted Women thing was like Christmas come early! Said the 20-year-old Sophomore from Indiana. “Pretending to champion feminist causes gets you so much play it should be illegal! I usually have suffer through my forced feminism by having to read up on the latest boring feminist issues but this time all I had to do is paint a topless woman’s ass cheek and I’m pro woman’s rights; Unbelievable!” Bliss went on to say that he encourages more men to pretend to champion feminist causes. Bliss continued to enthusiastically go on about how well it works. “When the girl from my economics class found out that I painted a Topless lady to support woman’s rights she banged me so hard I had to skip my morning workout. It was awesome! She even did a Meereenese Knot! That’s doesn’t even exist! That’s a made up sex move from ‘Game of Thrones'” Bliss went on to describe the evening in greater and more graphic detail. The interview was cut short.

UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBERS AMONG CHILDREN STAGGERING

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With the 2016 Presidential election heating up there seems to be a lack of conversation around an issue that is on many Americans minds, unemployment among children. The Child Unemployment Rate is staggering 98%. It’s hard to believe but only 2% of American children are working and most of that comes from child stars working on the Disney Channel. Arthur Dunlap President of the P.C.W.S or Putting Children to Work Society is among those outraged. The 114 year old retired factory worker spoke on how disgusted he is about Child Unemployment. “It’s terrible; everywhere I turn kids are either going to school or playing! I remember back when being a kid meant you got the best jobs! You got to install asbestos in hospitals, you got to work bringing Cole miners lunch because you were small enough to fit in the blast holes, it was beautiful! Now these little shits are too good to earn their own keep?” Dunlap is calling upon the Major Presidential candidates to speak on this important issue and to no ones surprise Donald Trump was the first candidate to speak. Reporters caught up with the controversial billionaire in Iowa. “What kind of country discriminates against children? Kids deserve the chance to make a living wage like they did in the old days. Kids love to work it’s fun! Gary Coleman made so much money as a kid he stood one his whole life.” Mr. Trumps press secretary later apologized for the insensitive remark, she was promptly fired by the Billionaire. Trump wasn’t the only candidate speaking on the issue. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spoke about his love of child labor at a rally Hartford Connecticut.”I always been an advocate of child labor. It started when I saw ‘Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory’ when I was a kid. I was inspired by the oompa loompa’s. I know they weren’t kids but they were small like me and they got to work and not only work they got to work with chocolate! What could be better than working in a chocolate factory? Nothing…why the hell am I running for President? I need a chocolate factory!” Governor Christie then ran off the stage leaving the rally. It’s unclear if he is still running for President.

AMERICANS MAY BE ABLE TO ACT LIKE UNEDUCATED DRUNKS IN CUBA BY 2016

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Washington- President Obama announced that Americans may be able to travel to Cuba by the year 2016, which means one thing; Americans will be able to act like uneducated drunks in yet another Caribbean land. Citizens of Punta Cana, San Juan, and Cancun are elated at this news. Juan Sosa a Punta Cana shopkeeper is among those excited. “It’s about time Cuba get a taste of what we’ve been going through for decades. Yeah I’m going to lose some business but it’s much better than seeing a drunken Ohio man throw up on my porch” Cuba once was the go to destination for drunken debauchery but that all changed when the U.S. ended diplomatic relations with the nation in the 1960’s. President Obama was tight on the details but the rumor is the Commander-in-Chief will spring for a weekend in Havana with his cabinet to inaugurate the new diplomatic relationship. Joe Biden has already been spotted buying novelty T-shirts for the trip; with colorful phrases such as “Havana you had a drink today?” and “I’ll have a sex on the beach and for my drink I’ll have a beer” The shirts can be found at a link on the Vice- President’s Facebook page.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ TOO GOOD TO FORSAKE HIS HISPANIC HERITAGE LIKE FATHER AND BROTHER?

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Hollywood- Actor Emilio Estevez has been playing fast and loose with the American people for quite some time, and now the people are pushing back. People from all over the country are demanding that Estevez change his name to Sheen; his family’s fake acting name. “He’s too good to forsake his Hispanic heritage like his father and brother?” Said Stephen Sterling a member of the “Actors Name Change Society” or A.N.C.S. The Society which was started in 1954, has been dedicated to pressuring actors to hide their ethnically identifiable names. Sterling; the society’s President since 2003 spoke about the proud history of the society.”Acting has a time-honored tradition of abandoning any shred of ethnic culture in favor of racially ambiguous substitutes” Sterling went on to say that actors such as Kirk Douglas and Winona Ryder changed their names, like most actors to hide Jewish heritage, oddly Whoopi Goldberg changed her name to accentuate Jewish heritage, which is “weird” admits Sterling. He went on to speak about how the name change within the Estevez family has led to success. “Martin Sheen has been an A-List star for decades. From ‘Apocalypse Now’ to ‘The West Wing’ the man has gets serious work, the same can be said about Charlie Sheen. Once he dumped the Estevez he was a star. He literally got fired from “Two and a Half Men” for being too awesome! What has Emilio done since “Mighty Ducks?” Sterling Sarcastically paused to wait for an answer. The interview was stopped there.

Kids Today Will Never Know The Enticing Allure Of Lead Chips

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Lead based Paint have been banned from most U.S. commercial building and homes for some time and it came at a price; American kids will never know the sweet allure of lead chips. If raisins are nature’s candy, lead chips were nature’s synthetic candy. The stuff was plentiful and it was literally everywhere! They tasted great and they were a fun to eat. Imagine living in a world where the walls tasted like Skittles or M&M’s; it was like having candy covered walls in your house, your schools, even hospitals. A dream come true. What happened to this sweet goodness? Overbearing Government, that’s what happened. The Oil and water based paint lobby put the kibosh on lead paint and the noble service they provided for American’s children. If parents could not afford to give their children candy money; lead chips was the answer. Propaganda about being hazardous to your health took this sweet treat away from our nation. Coca-Cola is also hazardous to your health and has anyone banned that? No! As the great David Letterman put so eloquently “Another simple pleasure ruined by a meddling bureaucracy” This is why our children are falling behind those of China. The Chinese government knows better than to waste food that’s comes from walls. The Chinese love walls! Once again our children are the ones who lose. Does anyone think of the children anymore?

Xbox One Gets New Controller; Communicating Racial Slurs Now Easier Than Ever

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Seattle- Microsoft made a huge announcement at Gamescom 2015. The Computer software giant has created a new controller for the popular Xbox One Video Game system, and the results are in. Hurling racial slurs and insults will be easier than ever. The new controller features an attachable keyboard which makes attacking the core of the unchangeable, ones race and or ethnicity faster than ever. Microsoft spokesman Jerry List said that the intention behind the design was to give gamers exactly what they needed; a way to get racially charged slurs and sentiments out quicker than ever.”Our customers play tough games about tough things. Things like war and football. They need the necessary equipment in order to perform at the highest levels of war and football, and car racing too… don’t forget about car racing” List would go on to say that whether it’s basking in the glory of winning or suffering in the agony of defeat going on a racially and or ethnically charged tirade is one of the most sacred forms of expression among avid gamers. The Xbox one isn’t the only Microsoft compatible device getting an upgrade. A version of the controller is being made for Windows 10 enabled devices. The target for this is reddit users. According to Microsoft Redditors use of racial or ethnic insults are not far behind that of Xbox users.

George W. Bush Confused; Thought Nasa’s ‘New Horizons’ Was Searching For Pluto The Dog

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Dallas- As Nasa’s historic ‘New Horizons’ space probe continues to send long-awaited images of Pluto; former President Bush is puzzled over the mission he approved in 2006. Several anonymous Pentagon officials reported that former President George W. Bush allegedly approved Nasa’s ‘New Horizons’ space probe believing that the mission was to search for images of Mickey Mouse’s beloved dog Pluto. This was later confirmed by Bush in a recent interview conducted at his Texas home. “‘House of Mouse’ was my favorite show during my first term, it really got me through my workday; then in ’03 it was cancelled. I was devastated. Then some scientist come to me 3 years later and tell me they want to search for Pluto, I said me too! I love Pluto! Where do I sign!?”And with that the ‘New Hirizons’ space probe was launched. Nasa Scientist Kent Colber said he had no idea the President was confused about the mission but upon careful reflection he admits there were signs.”Looking back I really should have known he was talking about a cartoon dog, especially when he said “When you find Pluto tell him Mouseketeers George W said hey!” Colber went on to say that President Bush also asked if Nasa could also search for whoever framed Roger Rabbit. According to Bush he never found out because “Laura always talks during the important parts of movies”. Colber had no further comments.