Pope To Boehner: You Gotta Get A Grip Man

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Washington D.C-Pope Francis has delivered inspiring message after inspiring message to millions since arriving in the United States, but no message was more inspiring than the message he delivered to Speaker of the House John Boehner: “You’ve gotta get a grip man.” His Holiness was of course speaking of Boehner’s incessant crying at every possible occasion. Father Holmes the Pope’s assistant during his U.S. visit spoke with reporters and gave a little insight to the Holy Father’s advice to Speaker Boehner. “His Holiness’s message was a message of love and concern. The Pope really wants to help the Speaker” According to Father Holmes the Pope is briefed before meeting all world leaders and dignitaries. When the videos of Speaker Boehner were shown, the Pope had one question “Why is this man always crying?” Father Holmes said  they were all just as confused. “The Pope kept asking questions like ‘Is he being throw out of office?’ No Holy Father. ‘Did he get caught sleeping with an intern?’ No Holy Father ‘Is he a drunk?’ We’re not sure Holy Father. This went on for weeks” Father Holmes stated that it was during the Pope’s flight to the U.S. he decided he would call Boehner out if he put on the waterworks during his trip to Capitol Hill; and as if on cue it happened. Pope Francis was speaking on Climate Change and the Speaker started to tear. Then the Pope started speaking of unity and that’s where Boehner lost it. Father Holmes said that after the speech Pope Francis let Boehner know he was touched that the Speaker was moved by his speech but he needs to save those crocodile tears for a more pressing situation, like Election night 2016. The Pope was even overheard telling the Speaker “I can’t have sex and I don’t even cry as much as you.” Speaker Boehner was said to run off in tears after that remark.

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College Loans Made Simple; Blood Oath Only Requirement

President Barack Obama delivers a health care address to a joint session of Congress at the United States Capitol in Washington, D.C., Sept. 9, 2009. (Official White House Photo by Lawrence Jackson) This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House.

Washington D.C- With all eyes on the race for the Whitehouse, many Americans seemingly have no idea of the tough financial legislation being debated by congress. A new Bill named the “The College Loan Simplicity Act” aims to do just that; make college loans simpler for American students. For the first time in history there will be no more lengthy application forms and tricky interest rates, the only requirement is a simple blood oath. Students will be able to borrow all the money they need, as long as they shed a spot of blood at the altar of lord Pecuniam Esurienti, the demigod of foolhardy financial decisions. He is a 12 ft wooden idol craved out of a single piece of African mahogany. His appearance can only be conceptualized in person but the best description would be an Eagle mixed with a Tiger mixed with another Eagle, we’re talking a two beak situation here. He is perched on a ceramic pile of hundred-dollar bills. Students requiring a loan must make a pilgrimage to the nation’s capital at the beginning of every school year; they must write down the amount they wish to borrow on scroll and place it in the idols second beak. When his eyes glow red he’s ready for blood. The student then pricks his or her finger and allow a speck of blood to drip at the base of the altar; in a week the student is contacted by Sallie Mae, the demigod’s parent company and the money is transferred directly to their school’s bursar. “It’s that simple” says Representative Tom Bowls of Florida’s 67th district, the brains behind this revolutionary piece of legislation. He spoke to reporters outside Capitol Hill “This bill is just what American students want and need. No more bureaucratic red tape and no more long dragged out back and forth with banks, just good old fashion blood magic” When Congressman Bowls was asked why he chose African mahogany as the wood of choice for the idol he quipped “After Obama leaves office, we’ll need something of African descent to stick around here” Congressman Bowls immediately looked as if that regretted making that statement.

NBA Diversity Program Working; White Players Flourishing

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New York- NBA Commissioner Adam Silver was pleased to announce that the NBA’s diversity program is working like gangbusters! White basketball players are contributing more than ever before! This news has been a long time coming for white people. It seems like so long since white players have flourished; for example Steve Nash, a white player who won the NBA MVP award in 2005 and 2006. The diversity programs success has come as a  breath fresh air to white folk, who have long been on the back of the NBA for not doing enough to help white players succeed. Whites now make up an astonishing 17% of NBA players, and the numbers continue to rise. White players have really been playing well over the last few years, so well some teams even have more than one white star, especially the Cleveland Cavaliers with standouts Kevin Love and Matthew Dellavedova. White players have a whole host of accomplishments to hang their hats on like wearing uniforms, scoring points, and patting LeBron James on the Butt after a good play. Just simply being in the NBA is an accomplishment for these men. Commissioner Silver spoke on the effectiveness of the program. “We here at the NBA take diversity seriously, and we want white people all around the world to know that even though the odds are slim, their chances of becoming an NBA player are better than ever!” Silver also added that Steph Curry, the league’s reigning MVP is of Creole descent and as he put it “There’s gotta be some white in there somewhere” Silver was urged to end the press conference after that remark.

HURRICANES WAITING FOR CONSERVATIVE PRESIDENT TO RAVAGE MINORITY COMMUNITIES

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With Tropical Storm Erika being downgraded and Americans taking time to reflect on the devastation left behind by Hurricane Katrina 10 years ago, One thing remains clear; hurricanes are politely waiting for a Conservative President to ravage minority communities. The United States has come a long way from Katrina in terms of disaster preparedness. Super-storm Sandy was the last major hurricane to hit the U.S. and while damaging, FEMA and the U.S. Government did a better job at preparing would be affected areas with advanced evacuation notices and mobilization of relief workers. The National Weather Service says it’s no accident that fewer large storm have hit the U.S in recent years. Marshall Wallace of the National Weather Service says that hurricanes are more perceptive than given credit for. “Just like corporations; hurricanes are people too. They are intelligent and know the current political climate of our nation. A hurricanes main job is to destroy things, and between crumbling infrastructure and lack of adequate resources, what easier place is there to destroy than minority communities?” Wallace goes on to say that hurricanes are most concerned for their work when liberals are in office; they feel that liberals intentionally look to prepare areas from impending damage and despair which interferes with the storm’s devastation capacity. Hurricanes feel this profiling is unjustified and cannot stand. Hurricanes long for the days when a conservative leader is in office because they generally tend to let hurricanes do their thing and wait a respectable amount of time before offering help to affected areas, thus allowing a hurricane’s work to stand a while longer. Wallace says because of this hurricanes will be paying close attention to the 2016 Presidential election.