LOCAL MAN WANTS SON TO CARRY OUT HIS MEDIOCRE LEGACY

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Aberdeen, NJ-Bret Flag a 31-year-old CVS cashier from Northern New Jersey is one excited man, and for a good reason, his girlfriend is pregnant with the couple’s first child. Flag has always wanted children and cannot wait till the baby is born early next year. When asked if he wanted a boy or a girl, Flag gave the proverbial answer of “As long as it’s healthy it doesn’t matter.” That may be the answer that Flag thought people wanted to hear, but in reality the 31-year-old hopes are a little different. “I have to admit I want a boy, you know, to carry out my legacy.” And what legacy does Mr. Flag speak of? A legacy of complete mediocrity. Flag has always been an uninspiring character, ever since his days in elementary school. One such incident came during 5th grade when Flag had the chance win the school attendance award but blew it that last day of school when he decided to go to his fathers job on “Bring Your Kid to Work Day”, ironically his father worked as a principal of another elementary school. Flag would then go on to have an unremarkable middle and high school career which led to him dropping out due to “Boredom.” Flag did not bother to get his GED because his brother-in-law manages a CVS and knew he could “hook up” his wife’s little brother with a cashier position working close to 40 hours a week. According to Flag, that’s the legacy he wants his son carry on. “Yeah, I would love a Bret Jr, not only to pass down the family name, but my personal legacy as well. I have gone out my way to do everything ass backwards and somehow I still eat. It’s crazy right? I know it’s going to be tough for my future son to live up to my accomplishments, but I know he will be up for the challenge.” Flag would later go on to say that it would be impossible to pass his legacy down to his daughter if he should ever have one, saying it would be a total disappointment to have a girl. “She would just have to do her best carving out her own identity in my giant shadow.” Shortly following this story Flag was fired from CVS by his brother-in-law for stealing cigarette lighters.

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MANS SELF WORTH ENTIRELY DEPENDENT ON TEAMS PERFORMANCE

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New York- John Regan of Rego Park Queens had a really good day Sunday. Regan who is an avid sports fan follows the New York Jets and the New York Mets who both won on Sunday. For most people this would not be that big of a deal, but for Regan it is a big deal, it’s a big deal because his entire sense of self-worth is dependent on the performance of his favorite sports team. Regan who is a high school Physical Education teacher spoke on personal effect sports has on him. “What can I say? I love my teams. I played both baseball and football in high school. I wasn’t any good at them but I played nonetheless. After my sports career ended in 12th grade, I transitioned to watching sports competitively.” According to Regan his emotional state at any given moment can be tied to how good or bad his teams are performing. “I really feel like a worthless piece of shit when my teams lose. I have a great wife, two great daughters and I’m the first person in my family to graduate college, but when my team loses, that all goes out the window.” Regan went through what a typical sports day is like for him and his family “Yeah, if both my Jets and Mets are losing it’s not a fun time at my house. First I start off light, I’ll get passive aggressive, say my wife ask if I want another Michelob Ultra when the Jets are down in the 3rd quarter, I’ll answer ‘Do I?’ Same thing with the Mets. Say they’re down by 2 or more runs past the 7th inning and my wife asks if she should warm up food, my go-to is something like ‘Well I like warm food so what do you think?’ If they’re losing to a division rival, then I would probably just call her a dumb bitch. The C word is reserved for playoff time only” Regan assured us that things are going great at home now because his New York Jets have a 3-1 record to start the season and his New York Mets won their 90th game this Sunday; peace currently reigns over the Regan house. It is worth mentioning that the New York Mets won the National League East Division Championship and will be in the MLB playoffs which means the C word is officially on the table at the Regan residence. When Regan’s wife Carla was asked if it’s hard to deal with such high emotional stress, she said: “At least he’s not a basketball fan.” Her optimism is nothing short of inspiring.