Starbucks Reveals Red Coffee Cups Dyed In The Blood Of Non-Believers; Christians Relieved


Seattle, WA- Christians nationwide breathed a collective sigh of relief after Starbucks announced the secret behind the coffee giant’s red holiday cups; they’re dyed in the blood of non-believers. Fundamental Christians groups everywhere were elated at the news with some saying this day is even better than the day Jim Bakker got out of prison. Starbucks spokesperson Kenny Trout spoke to reporters about the revelation. “We decided to come clean because we were tired of fundamental Christianity thinking that we were against them when we were in fact with them the entire time.” According to Trout every year Starbucks gathers non-believers in under the guise of a blood drive. This ensures the company is able to collect the required amount of blood needed for the holiday season. Mr. Trout explained how the ruse works. “We put out a notice on our website for a blood drive to be held in our company parking lot. Once the people come in, we ask them to fill out some forms. Under ‘Religious Affiliation’ we have two categories. ‘Christian’ or ‘Other,’ if they check the Christian, we use their blood to save lives. If they check other, we use that blood to dye our cups. It’s a win-win.” According to Trout dyeing cups in the blood of non-believers serves a dual purpose. It keeps non-believer blood out of the area blood supply which lessens the chance it finds its way into “Good Christian veins,” and it gives the cups a festive look for the holiday season, something the non-Christian community hates. Starbucks officials stated that now that the cats outta the bag it will be more brazen about this campaign, even expanding the practice for other holidays. Valentine’s Day is on target to be the next “Red Cup Holiday,” instead of using the blood of non-believers they will use the blood of great romance singer Michael Bolton.