OPEN LETTER: COLDPLAY SHOULD NOT PERFORM AT SUPER BOWL

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Dear Coldplay, let me start this open letter by saying I am a fan of your work and respect you immensely as artist—with that being said I must be completely honest with you. You have no business performing at this years Superbowl Halftime Show. This is going to be tough. Coldplay, you were a terrible choice for this event—again I am a big fan of your music, and by “Big Fan” I mean I like the two or three songs that every American below the age of 60 knows—“Clocks” and “Viva La Vida.” There might be a third one in there but the name escapes me at the moment—what doesn’t escape me is how why you have no business performing at the Superbowl. Coldplay your style is cool, but not Superbowl cool—there’s a huge difference. The Superbowl is an American holiday which screams action and glory! Coldplay, your music screams mellow and contemplative; and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact listening to youre music has changed my world philosophy on many issues. It’s just not right for the Superbowl. We need a Superbowl halftime performance that will get people pumped for football! I have a suggestion. Sylvester Stallone and Mr. T should reprise their roles from “Rocky III” and perform the entire 3 round fight. Now Coldplay, even you have to agree that would be an awesome halftime show—it would pump people up for two more quarters of men tackling each other, you know, in case they forgot the 2 previous quarters of men tackling each other they just finished watching. I just got another halftime idea, I’m on a roll here folks what can I say? We can have the Weather Girls perform their 1983 hit “It’s Raining Men” while retired NFL greats like Jim Brown, Lawrence Taylor and Terry Bradshaw dance behind them. People would love to watch that—you know what people would not love to watch? Coldplay performing “Clocks”; great song but not Superbowl great. I hope that point is coming through clearly. Coldplay before I tie a bow on this I want you to know this is not a personal attack on you—I think your music is just darling, this would-be travesty is not your fault, it’s the NFL’s fault. The National Football League will go to any lengths to soften their image and tarnished reputation, which has been besmirched by the likes of Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, and the concussion movie scandal—where does it all end? It ends with you Coldplay. Do the right thing and gracefully bow out. Take the high road Madonna refused to take 4 years ago—her refusal to perform “Take A Bow” was unforgivable, but I digress. Coldplay, the balls in your court…that’s clearly a basketball reference but you get the point.

EVER US TWO STONE RING ENCOURAGES SCHIZOPHRENIA THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

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High end jeweler Forevermark has been flooding the air with commercials this holiday season advertising their “EVER US” double stoned ring. The two stoned ring who’s slogan—”One diamond for your best friend. One diamond for your true love” Is not only encouraging greed this holiday season—but also schizophrenia. The gist of Forevermark’s poorly executed guise is to convince women they’re two distinct people instead of one complete fully functional person. This is the oldest trick in the book, and unfortunately thousands of Americans will fall prey to this thinly veiled scheme by yet another corporate jeweler. It has been reported that Forevermark is in bed with large pharmaceutical corporations which specialize in schizophrenia medication. According to sources, once enough “EVER US” two stoned rings are sold—women across the nation will start to believe they are in fact two people—a best friend and true love. It’s not known what diabolical jewelry creation Forevermark plans to unleash on the American public next, but a diamond encrusted anxiety band is said to be in the works.