HYDROGEN BOMB ACTUALLY FIRE EMITTED FROM KIM JONG-UN’S MIXTAPE

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Pyongyang North Korea—The entire world was on high alert when the news broke of North Korea had successfully tested the country’s first Hydrogen Bomb. Only later would officials find out what had actually happened. What was thought to be a Hydrogen bomb explosion was just the fire being emitted from Kim Jong UN’s mix-tape. After years of getting a bad rap the North Korean Supreme Leader decided to get into rap—UN has been seen at countless illegal North Korea underground Hip-Hop parties unleashing his ferocious lyrics. Kim Jong-UN’s is said to be inspired by the 2002 American battle rap movie ‘8 Mile.’ Knowledge of American culture is a bit skewed in North Korea—according to sources UN believes the movie stars legendary white rapper Vanilla Ice instead of Eminem. Kim has an versatile rapping style according to his CIA profile. He seamlessly goes from prepared rhymes to a freestyle flow which has been described as “Straight Fire” in fact UN’s raps are so hot his debut mix tape is titled ‘Back Draft.’ This creation of this mix tape is what caused the supposed Hydrogen explosion and the Magnitude 5.3 earthquake that followed. The U.N. is concerned of what would happen if UN actually released a full album—the Secretary General says the consequences of that could be catastrophic. As a precaution the U.N. is urging world leaders not to engage UN in any diplomatic talks or rap battles. The risk is just too great.

CHIP KELLY FIRED DAYS BEFORE EAGLE’S END OF SEASON PIZZA PARTY

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Philadelphia—The Philadelphia Eagles sent shock waves through the NFL when they unceremoniously fired Head Coach Chip Kelly Tuesday evening. Kelly who had a meager 26-21 record in three seasons with the Eagles never seemed to get management or his players behind his up-tempo college style offense—and to add insult to injury Kelly was fired just days before the Eagles end of season pizza party. “The end of season pizza party is a Eagles tradition—being from Philadelphia we get sick of cheese-steaks pretty quickly, so by season’s end we’re ready for some pizza,” said Eagles Quarterback Sam Bradford. According to several Eagles sources, it was Kelly himself who came up with the pizza party idea—along with his fast-paced offense it was a tradition he brought from his coaching days at the University of Oregon. “The timing could not be worse,” says Eagles Running Back Demarco Murray. “The Eagles always end the season with a pizza party—it’s known league wide. It’s the reason I signed here in the off-season. The worse part of it is the fact we were ending the season in New York—they got the best pizza. We usually just get Papa Johns but coach was going to take us to the best pizza parlor in New York, the California Pizza Kitchen. Now he’s going to miss it…it’s just sad.” It is not yet known if the party will be salvaged by Kelly’s assistant coaches or if it will happen at all. What is known is that it’s too late for Kelly to get back his deposit at the Time Square California Pizza Kitchen.