Pyongyang North Korea—The entire world was on high alert when the news broke of North Korea had successfully tested the country’s first Hydrogen Bomb. Only later would officials find out what had actually happened. What was thought to be a Hydrogen bomb explosion was just the fire being emitted from Kim Jong UN’s mix-tape. After years of getting a bad rap the North Korean Supreme Leader decided to get into rap—UN has been seen at countless illegal North Korea underground Hip-Hop parties unleashing his ferocious lyrics. Kim Jong-un’s is said to be inspired by the 2002 American battle rap movie ‘8 Mile.’ Knowledge of American culture is a bit skewed in North Korea—according to sources UN believes the movie stars legendary white rapper Vanilla Ice instead of Eminem. Kim has a versatile rapping style according to his CIA profile. He seamlessly goes from prepared rhymes to a freestyle flow which has been described as “Straight Fire” in fact UN’s raps are so hot his debut mixtape is titled ‘Back Draft.’ This creation of this mixtape is what caused the supposed Hydrogen explosion and the Magnitude 5.3 earthquake that followed. The U.N. is concerned of what would happen if UN actually released a full album—the Secretary-General says the consequences of that could be catastrophic. As a precaution, the U.N. is urging world leaders not to engage UN in any diplomatic talks or rap battles. The risk is just too high.
Philadelphia, PA—The Philadelphia Eagles sent shock waves through the NFL when they unceremoniously fired Head Coach Chip Kelly Tuesday evening. Kelly who had a meager 26-21 record in three seasons with the Eagles never seemed to get management or his players behind his up-tempo college style offense—and to add insult to injury Kelly was fired just days before the Eagles end of season pizza party. “The end of season pizza party is an Eagles tradition—being from Philadelphia we get sick of cheese-steaks pretty quickly, so by season’s end we’re ready for some pizza,” said Eagles Quarterback Sam Bradford. According to several Eagles sources, it was Kelly himself who came up with the pizza party idea—along with his fast-paced offense it was a tradition he brought from his coaching days at the University of Oregon. “The timing could not be worse,” says Eagles Running Back Demarco Murray. “The Eagles always end the season with a pizza party—it’s known league wide. It’s the reason I signed here in the off-season. The worse part of it is the fact we were ending the season in New York—they got the best pizza. We usually just get Papa Johns, but coach was going to take us to the best pizza parlor in New York, the California Pizza Kitchen. Now he’s going to miss it…it’s just sad.” It is not yet known if the party will be salvaged by Kelly’s assistant coaches or if it will happen at all. What is known is that it’s too late for Kelly to get back his deposit at the Time Square California Pizza Kitchen.
Dear Coldplay, let me start this open letter by saying I am a fan of your work and respect you immensely as an artist—with that being said I must be completely honest with you. You have no business performing at this years Superbowl Halftime Show. This is going to be tough. Coldplay, you were a terrible choice for this event—again I am a big fan of your music, and by “Big Fan” I mean I like the two or three songs that every American below the age of 60 knows—“Clocks” and “Viva La Vida.” There might be a third one in there, but the name escapes me at the moment—what doesn’t escape me is how why you have no business performing at the Superbowl. Coldplay your style is cool, but not Superbowl cool—there’s a huge difference. The Superbowl is an American holiday which screams action and glory! Coldplay, your music screams mellow and contemplative; and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, listening to your music has changed my world philosophy on many issues. It’s just not right for the Superbowl. We need a Superbowl halftime performance that will get people pumped for football! I have a suggestion. Sylvester Stallone and Mr. T should reprise their roles from “Rocky III” and perform the entire 3 round fight. Now Coldplay, even you have to agree that would be an awesome halftime show—it would pump people up for two more quarters of men tackling each other, you know, in case they forgot the 2 previous quarters of men tackling each other they just finished watching. I just got another halftime idea, I’m on a roll here folks what can I say? We can have the Weather Girls perform their 1983 hit “It’s Raining Men” while retired NFL greats like Jim Brown, Lawrence Taylor and Terry Bradshaw dance behind them. People would love to watch that—you know what people would not love to watch? Coldplay performing “Clocks”; great song but not Superbowl great. I hope that point is coming through clearly. Coldplay before I tie a bow on this I want you to know this is not a personal attack on you—I think your music is just darling, this would-be travesty is not your fault, it’s the NFL’s fault. The National Football League will go to any lengths to soften their image and tarnished reputation, which has been besmirched by the likes of Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, and the concussion movie scandal—where does it all end? It ends with you Coldplay. Do the right thing and gracefully bow out. Take the high road Madonna refused to take 4 years ago—her refusal to perform “Take A Bow” was unforgivable, but I digress. Coldplay, the balls in your court…that’s apparently a basketball reference, but you get the point.
High-end jeweler Forevermark has been flooding the air with commercials this holiday season advertising their “EVER US” double stoned ring. The two stoned ring who’s slogan—”One diamond for your best friend. One diamond for your true love” Is not only encouraging greed this holiday season—but also schizophrenia. The gist of Forevermark’s poorly executed guise is to convince women they’re two distinct people instead of one complete fully functional person. This is the oldest trick in the book, and unfortunately, thousands of Americans will fall prey to this thinly veiled scheme by yet another corporate jeweler. It has been reported that Forevermark is in bed with large pharmaceutical corporations which specialize in schizophrenia medication. According to sources, once enough “EVER US” two stoned rings are sold—women across the nation will start to believe they are in fact two people—a best friend and true love. It’s not known what diabolical jewelry creation Forevermark plans to unleash on the American public next, but a diamond encrusted anxiety band is said to be in the works.
Seattle, WA- Christians nationwide breathed a collective sigh of relief after Starbucks announced the secret behind the coffee giant’s red holiday cups; they’re dyed in the blood of non-believers. Fundamental Christians groups everywhere were elated at the news with some saying this day is even better than the day Jim Bakker got out of prison. Starbucks spokesperson Kenny Trout spoke to reporters about the revelation. “We decided to come clean because we were tired of fundamental Christianity thinking that we were against them when we were in fact with them the entire time.” According to Trout every year Starbucks gathers non-believers in under the guise of a blood drive. This ensures the company is able to collect the required amount of blood needed for the holiday season. Mr. Trout explained how the ruse works. “We put out a notice on our website for a blood drive to be held in our company parking lot. Once the people come in, we ask them to fill out some forms. Under ‘Religious Affiliation’ we have two categories. ‘Christian’ or ‘Other,’ if they check the Christian, we use their blood to save lives. If they check other, we use that blood to dye our cups. It’s a win-win.” According to Trout dyeing cups in the blood of non-believers serves a dual purpose. It keeps non-believer blood out of the area blood supply which lessens the chance it finds its way into “Good Christian veins,” and it gives the cups a festive look for the holiday season, something the non-Christian community hates. Starbucks officials stated that now that the cats outta the bag it will be more brazen about this campaign, even expanding the practice for other holidays. Valentine’s Day is on target to be the next “Red Cup Holiday,” instead of using the blood of non-believers they will use the blood of great romance singer Michael Bolton.
Aberdeen, NJ-Bret Flag a 31-year-old CVS cashier from Northern New Jersey is one excited man, and for a good reason, his girlfriend is pregnant with the couple’s first child. Flag has always wanted children and cannot wait till the baby is born early next year. When asked if he wanted a boy or a girl, Flag gave the proverbial answer of “As long as it’s healthy it doesn’t matter.” That may be the answer that Flag thought people wanted to hear, but in reality the 31-year-old hopes are a little different. “I have to admit I want a boy, you know, to carry out my legacy.” And what legacy does Mr. Flag speak of? A legacy of complete mediocrity. Flag has always been an uninspiring character, ever since his days in elementary school. One such incident came during 5th grade when Flag had the chance win the school attendance award but blew it that last day of school when he decided to go to his fathers job on “Bring Your Kid to Work Day”, ironically his father worked as a principal of another elementary school. Flag would then go on to have an unremarkable middle and high school career which led to him dropping out due to “Boredom.” Flag did not bother to get his GED because his brother-in-law manages a CVS and knew he could “hook up” his wife’s little brother with a cashier position working close to 40 hours a week. According to Flag, that’s the legacy he wants his son carry on. “Yeah, I would love a Bret Jr, not only to pass down the family name, but my personal legacy as well. I have gone out my way to do everything ass backwards and somehow I still eat. It’s crazy right? I know it’s going to be tough for my future son to live up to my accomplishments, but I know he will be up for the challenge.” Flag would later go on to say that it would be impossible to pass his legacy down to his daughter if he should ever have one, saying it would be a total disappointment to have a girl. “She would just have to do her best carving out her own identity in my giant shadow.” Shortly following this story Flag was fired from CVS by his brother-in-law for stealing cigarette lighters.
New York- John Regan of Rego Park Queens had a really good day Sunday. Regan who is an avid sports fan follows the New York Jets and the New York Mets who both won on Sunday. For most people this would not be that big of a deal, but for Regan it is a big deal, it’s a big deal because his entire sense of self-worth is dependent on the performance of his favorite sports team. Regan who is a high school Physical Education teacher spoke on personal effect sports has on him. “What can I say? I love my teams. I played both baseball and football in high school. I wasn’t any good at them but I played nonetheless. After my sports career ended in 12th grade, I transitioned to watching sports competitively.” According to Regan his emotional state at any given moment can be tied to how good or bad his teams are performing. “I really feel like a worthless piece of shit when my teams lose. I have a great wife, two great daughters and I’m the first person in my family to graduate college, but when my team loses, that all goes out the window.” Regan went through what a typical sports day is like for him and his family “Yeah, if both my Jets and Mets are losing it’s not a fun time at my house. First I start off light, I’ll get passive aggressive, say my wife ask if I want another Michelob Ultra when the Jets are down in the 3rd quarter, I’ll answer ‘Do I?’ Same thing with the Mets. Say they’re down by 2 or more runs past the 7th inning and my wife asks if she should warm up food, my go-to is something like ‘Well I like warm food so what do you think?’ If they’re losing to a division rival, then I would probably just call her a dumb bitch. The C word is reserved for playoff time only” Regan assured us that things are going great at home now because his New York Jets have a 3-1 record to start the season and his New York Mets won their 90th game this Sunday; peace currently reigns over the Regan house. It is worth mentioning that the New York Mets won the National League East Division Championship and will be in the MLB playoffs which means the C word is officially on the table at the Regan residence. When Regan’s wife Carla was asked if it’s hard to deal with such high emotional stress, she said: “At least he’s not a basketball fan.” Her optimism is nothing short of inspiring.
Washington D.C-Pope Francis has delivered his inspiring message after inspiring millions since arriving in the United States, but no signal was more inspiring than the message he gave to Speaker of the House John Boehner: “You’ve gotta get a grip man.” His Holiness was of course speaking of Boehner’s incessant crying at every possible occasion. Father Holmes the Pope’s assistant during his U.S. visit spoke with reporters and gave a little insight to the Holy Father’s advice to Speaker Boehner. “His Holiness’s message was a message of love and concern. The Pope really wants to help the Speaker” According to Father Holmes the Pope is briefed before meeting all world leaders and dignitaries. When the videos of Speaker Boehner were shown, the Pope had one question “Why is this man always crying?” Father Holmes said they were all just as confused. “The Pope kept asking questions like ‘Is he being throw out of office?’ No Holy Father. ‘Did he get caught sleeping with an intern?’ No Holy Father ‘Is he a drunk?’ We’re not sure Holy Father. This went on for weeks” Father Holmes stated that it was during the Pope’s flight to the U.S. he decided he would call Boehner out if he put on the waterworks during his trip to Capitol Hill; and as if on cue it happened. Pope Francis was speaking on Climate Change and the Speaker started to tear. Then the Pope started speaking of unity and that’s where Boehner lost it. Father Holmes said that after the speech Pope Francis let Boehner know he was touched that the Speaker was moved by his speech but he needs to save those crocodile tears for a more pressing situation, like Election night 2016. The Pope was even overheard telling the Speaker “I can’t have sex and I don’t even cry as much as you.” Speaker Boehner was said to run off in tears after that remark.
Washington D.C- With all eyes on the race for the Whitehouse, many Americans seemingly have no idea of the severe financial legislation being debated by Congress. A new Bill named the “The College Loan Simplicity Act” aims to do just that; make college loans simpler for American students. For the first time in history, there will be no more lengthy application forms and tricky interest rates, the only requirement is a simple blood oath. Students will be able to borrow all the money they need, as long as they shed a spot of blood at the altar of lord Pecuniam Esurienti, the demigod of rash financial decisions. He is a 12 ft wooden idol carved out of a single piece of African mahogany. His appearance can only be conceptualized in person but the best description would be an Eagle mixed with a Tiger mixed with another Eagle, we’re talking a two beak situation here. He is perched on a ceramic pile of hundred-dollar bills. Students requiring a loan must make a pilgrimage to the nation’s capital at the beginning of every school year; they must write down the amount they wish to borrow on the scroll and place it in the idols second beak. When his eyes glow red, he’s ready for blood. The student then picks his or her finger and allow a speck of blood to drip at the base of the altar; in a week the student is contacted by Sallie Mae, the demigod’s parent company and the money is transferred directly to their school’s bursar. “It’s that simple,” says Representative Tom Bowls of Florida’s 67th district, the brains behind this revolutionary piece of legislation. He spoke to reporters outside Capitol Hill “This bill is just what American students want and need. No more bureaucratic red tape and no more long dragged out back and forth with banks, just good old fashion blood magic” When Congressman Bowls was asked why he chose African mahogany as the wood of choice for the idol he quipped “After Obama leaves office, we’ll need something of African descent to stick around here” Congressman Bowls immediately looked as if that regretted making that statement.
New York, NY- NBA Commissioner Adam Silver was pleased to announce that the NBA’s diversity program is working like gangbusters! White basketball players are contributing more than ever before! This news has been a long time coming for white people. It seems like so long since white players have flourished; for example Steve Nash, a white player who won the NBA MVP award in 2005 and 2006. The diversity programs success has come as a breath of fresh air to white folk, who have long been on the back of the NBA for not doing enough to help white players succeed. Whites now make up an astonishing 17% of NBA players, and the numbers continue to rise. White players have really been playing well over the last few years, so well some teams even have more than one white star, especially the Cleveland Cavaliers with standouts Kevin Love and Matthew Dellavedova. White players have a whole host of accomplishments to hang their hats on like wearing uniforms, scoring points, and patting LeBron James on the Butt after a good play. Just simply being in the NBA is an accomplishment for these men. Commissioner Silver spoke on the effectiveness of the program. “We here at the NBA take diversity seriously, and we want white people all around the world to know that even though the odds are slim, their chances of becoming an NBA player are better than ever!” Silver also added that Steph Curry, the league’s reigning MVP is of Creole descent and as he put it “There’s gotta be some white in there somewhere” Silver was urged to end the press conference after that remark.