It turns out the old phrase “It’s not a race” is not true. The truth is, it is a race, and most likely you’re too late. That’s right, if you are 26 or older and are not married, engaged, have kids, or have a union job working at least 40 hours a week, you’re done for. That freelance job as a web designer at that startup doesn’t count slacker, nice try. The latest statistics from the K.U.J.B better know as the Keeping Up with the Joneses Bureau sheds some light on this issue. According to the bureau’s research 98% of people who reach their middle 20’s without accomplishing any of the aforementioned life goals turn out to be failures and all out waste to society, the other 2% end up dead. If you’re nearing the end of your early 20’s know there’s still hope, if you’re a luckless soul that’s past your early 20’s just stop reading this and tell your grandmother she’ll never have any great-grandchildren to play with, at least not any from you. The rest of you out there with some hope (25 and younger) don’t worry the folks at the bureau have some tips for getting your life back on track.
First things first. Get Married! Unless your gay and live in the South. If that’s the case, you can still get married but just know some people won’t be too psyched about it. The person you marry isn’t really important. The important thing is that you get married. Marriage keeps America strong, and it turns out marriage is the backbone of the American economy, because is built on divorce lawyers. If your 25 and 26 is slapping you on the back of the neck, bypass the marriage step. Planning weddings take time and that’s something you don’t have the luxury of having. Proceed directly to tip #2.
Have kids! That’s right, get someone pregnant as quickly as you can, or if you’re a woman get yourself pregnant as quick as you can. Even if you turn 26 sans child, as long as you have a bun in the over, it counts; sort of like in College Football where you don’t have to have 2 feet inbound to complete a catch, you can get away with just one, same idea; remember this is about getting the respect of society, without a spouse or child you simply have no credibility and no shot at being a decent human being. Tip # 3 is really important.
Becoming gainfully employed is crucial in your attempt to gain self-worth. Only 40 hour a week union jobs with benefits count. If your current job has the title “Freelance” in it, quit immediately and get a job working in the Civil Service industry. If you live in the Northeast, your local department of sanitation should do fine. If you are located outside the Northeast, a job at your local electricity or water department will be more than adequate. I know working part-time for that new social media company is exciting and enriching, but it doesn’t live up to you friend’s and family’s expectations of you, and in the end isn’t that all that matters?
So there you have it. The Apostle Paul wrote in 2nd Timothy “I have fought the good fight; I have finished the race” That quote proves that life is a race and you better keep up or get off the track.