HYDROGEN BOMB ACTUALLY FIRE EMITTED FROM KIM JONG-UN’S MIXTAPE

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Pyongyang North Korea—The entire world was on high alert when the news broke of North Korea had successfully tested the country’s first Hydrogen Bomb. Only later would officials find out what had actually happened. What was thought to be a Hydrogen bomb explosion was just the fire being emitted from Kim Jong UN’s mix-tape. After years of getting a bad rap the North Korean Supreme Leader decided to get into rap—UN has been seen at countless illegal North Korea underground Hip-Hop parties unleashing his ferocious lyrics. Kim Jong-UN’s is said to be inspired by the 2002 American battle rap movie ‘8 Mile.’ Knowledge of American culture is a bit skewed in North Korea—according to sources UN believes the movie stars legendary white rapper Vanilla Ice instead of Eminem. Kim has an versatile rapping style according to his CIA profile. He seamlessly goes from prepared rhymes to a freestyle flow which has been described as “Straight Fire” in fact UN’s raps are so hot his debut mix tape is titled ‘Back Draft.’ This creation of this mix tape is what caused the supposed Hydrogen explosion and the Magnitude 5.3 earthquake that followed. The U.N. is concerned of what would happen if UN actually released a full album—the Secretary General says the consequences of that could be catastrophic. As a precaution the U.N. is urging world leaders not to engage UN in any diplomatic talks or rap battles. The risk is just too great.

CHIP KELLY FIRED DAYS BEFORE EAGLE’S END OF SEASON PIZZA PARTY

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Philadelphia—The Philadelphia Eagles sent shock waves through the NFL when they unceremoniously fired Head Coach Chip Kelly Tuesday evening. Kelly who had a meager 26-21 record in three seasons with the Eagles never seemed to get management or his players behind his up-tempo college style offense—and to add insult to injury Kelly was fired just days before the Eagles end of season pizza party. “The end of season pizza party is a Eagles tradition—being from Philadelphia we get sick of cheese-steaks pretty quickly, so by season’s end we’re ready for some pizza,” said Eagles Quarterback Sam Bradford. According to several Eagles sources, it was Kelly himself who came up with the pizza party idea—along with his fast-paced offense it was a tradition he brought from his coaching days at the University of Oregon. “The timing could not be worse,” says Eagles Running Back Demarco Murray. “The Eagles always end the season with a pizza party—it’s known league wide. It’s the reason I signed here in the off-season. The worse part of it is the fact we were ending the season in New York—they got the best pizza. We usually just get Papa Johns but coach was going to take us to the best pizza parlor in New York, the California Pizza Kitchen. Now he’s going to miss it…it’s just sad.” It is not yet known if the party will be salvaged by Kelly’s assistant coaches or if it will happen at all. What is known is that it’s too late for Kelly to get back his deposit at the Time Square California Pizza Kitchen.

OPEN LETTER: COLDPLAY SHOULD NOT PERFORM AT SUPER BOWL

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Dear Coldplay, let me start this open letter by saying I am a fan of your work and respect you immensely as artist—with that being said I must be completely honest with you. You have no business performing at this years Superbowl Halftime Show. This is going to be tough. Coldplay, you were a terrible choice for this event—again I am a big fan of your music, and by “Big Fan” I mean I like the two or three songs that every American below the age of 60 knows—“Clocks” and “Viva La Vida.” There might be a third one in there but the name escapes me at the moment—what doesn’t escape me is how why you have no business performing at the Superbowl. Coldplay your style is cool, but not Superbowl cool—there’s a huge difference. The Superbowl is an American holiday which screams action and glory! Coldplay, your music screams mellow and contemplative; and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact listening to youre music has changed my world philosophy on many issues. It’s just not right for the Superbowl. We need a Superbowl halftime performance that will get people pumped for football! I have a suggestion. Sylvester Stallone and Mr. T should reprise their roles from “Rocky III” and perform the entire 3 round fight. Now Coldplay, even you have to agree that would be an awesome halftime show—it would pump people up for two more quarters of men tackling each other, you know, in case they forgot the 2 previous quarters of men tackling each other they just finished watching. I just got another halftime idea, I’m on a roll here folks what can I say? We can have the Weather Girls perform their 1983 hit “It’s Raining Men” while retired NFL greats like Jim Brown, Lawrence Taylor and Terry Bradshaw dance behind them. People would love to watch that—you know what people would not love to watch? Coldplay performing “Clocks”; great song but not Superbowl great. I hope that point is coming through clearly. Coldplay before I tie a bow on this I want you to know this is not a personal attack on you—I think your music is just darling, this would-be travesty is not your fault, it’s the NFL’s fault. The National Football League will go to any lengths to soften their image and tarnished reputation, which has been besmirched by the likes of Ray Rice, Greg Hardy, and the concussion movie scandal—where does it all end? It ends with you Coldplay. Do the right thing and gracefully bow out. Take the high road Madonna refused to take 4 years ago—her refusal to perform “Take A Bow” was unforgivable, but I digress. Coldplay, the balls in your court…that’s clearly a basketball reference but you get the point.

EVER US TWO STONE RING ENCOURAGES SCHIZOPHRENIA THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

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High end jeweler Forevermark has been flooding the air with commercials this holiday season advertising their “EVER US” double stoned ring. The two stoned ring who’s slogan—”One diamond for your best friend. One diamond for your true love” Is not only encouraging greed this holiday season—but also schizophrenia. The gist of Forevermark’s poorly executed guise is to convince women they’re two distinct people instead of one complete fully functional person. This is the oldest trick in the book, and unfortunately thousands of Americans will fall prey to this thinly veiled scheme by yet another corporate jeweler. It has been reported that Forevermark is in bed with large pharmaceutical corporations which specialize in schizophrenia medication. According to sources, once enough “EVER US” two stoned rings are sold—women across the nation will start to believe they are in fact two people—a best friend and true love. It’s not known what diabolical jewelry creation Forevermark plans to unleash on the American public next, but a diamond encrusted anxiety band is said to be in the works.

Starbucks Reveals Red Coffee Cups Dyed In The Blood Of Non-Believers; Christians Relieved

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Seattle WA- Christians nationwide breathed a collective sigh of relief after Starbucks announced the secret behind the coffee giant’s red holiday cups; they’re dyed in the blood of non believers. Fundamental Christians groups everywhere were elated at the news with some saying this day is even better than the day Jim Bakker got out of prison. Starbucks spokesperson Kenny Trout spoke to reporters about the revelation. “We decided to come clean because we were tired of fundamental Christianity thinking that we were against them when we were in fact with them the entire time.” According to Trout every year Starbucks gathers non believers in under the guise of a blood drive. This ensures the company is able to collect the required amount of blood needed for the holiday season. Mr. Trout explained how the ruse works. “We put out a notice on our website for a blood drive to be held in our company parking lot. Once the people come in we ask them to fill out some forms. Under ‘Religious Affiliation’ we have two categories. ‘Christian’ or ‘Other’, if they check the Christian we use their blood to save lives. If they check other, we use that blood to dye our cups. It’s a win-win.” According to Trout dyeing cups in the blood of non believers serves a dual purpose. It keeps non believer blood out of the area blood supply which lessens the chance it finds its way into “Good Christian veins” and it gives the cups a festive look for the holiday season, something the non-Christian community hates. Starbucks officials stated that now that the cats outta the bag it will be more brazen about this campaign, even expanding the practice for other holidays. Valentine’s Day, is on target to be the next “Red Cup Holiday”, instead of using the blood of non believers they will use the blood of great romance singer Michael Bolton.

LOCAL MAN WANTS SON TO CARRY OUT HIS MEDIOCRE LEGACY

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Aberdeen NJ-Bret Flag a 31-year-old CVS cashier from Northern New Jersey is a one excited man, and for good reason, his girlfriend is pregnant with the couple’s first child. Flag has always wanted children and cannot wait till the baby is born early next year. When asked if he wanted a boy or a girl, Flag gave the proverbial answer of “As long as it’s healthy it doesn’t matter.” That may be the answer that Flag thought people wanted to hear, but in reality the 31-year-old hopes are a little different. “I have to admit I want a boy, you know, to carry out my legacy.” And what legacy does Mr. Flag speak of? A legacy of complete mediocrity. Flag has always been an uninspiring character, ever since his days in elementary school.One such incident came during 5th grade when Flag had the chance win the school attendance award but blew it that last day of school when he decided to go to his fathers job on “Bring Your Kid to Work Day”, ironically his father worked as a principal of another elementary school. Flag would then go on to have an unremarkable middle and high school career which led to him dropping out due to “Boredom.” Flag did not bother to get his GED because his brother-in-law manages a CVS and knew he could “hook up” his wife’s little brother with a cashier position working close to 40 hours a week. According to Flag, that’s the legacy he wants his son carry on. “Yeah, I would love a Bret Jr, not only to pass down the family name, but my personal legacy as well. I have gone out my way to do everything ass backwards and somehow I still eat. It’s crazy right? I know it’s going to be tough for my future son to live up to my accomplishments, but I know he will be up for the challenge.” Flag would later go on to say that it would be impossible to pass his legacy down to his daughter if he should ever have one, saying it would be a total disappointment to have a girl. “She would just have to do her best carving out her own identity in my giant shadow.” Shortly following this story Flag was fired from CVS by his brother-in-law for stealing cigarette lighters.

BLACKMAILING WOMEN FOR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY NEWEST TREND

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Blackmailing women is a time-honored tradition in male culture that goes deep into the annals of time. Historically men have always found ways to garner women’s affections towards them by acquiring damaging personal information and weaving that to their advantage. For the most part, said affections have been almost entirely sexual, but some brave young men are taking the game to a whole new level.These men are not blackmailing women for physical Intimacy, they’re blackmailing women for emotional Intimacy.Todd Strobe of Strobe County Pennsylvania is one of the users of this new method. He explained the details of how it all works. “It’s all fairly simple. You use the same soul depraved techniques of blackmail just to a different end-game.”Strobe who is a student at Syracuse University would go on in graphic detail. “I found out this girl in my English lit class plagiarized her last assignment from some obscure site, the professor had no idea, so I confronted her about it and she asked ‘Would a Blowjob keep me quiet?’ I said no.” What did keep Mr. Strobe quiet? The answer may shock people. “I told her she would have to come over to my dorm room after I got off work and listen to me complain about my boss while I lay my head in her lap as she caresses my head” According to Strobe emotional intimacy is “Where it’s at”, and blackmailing women for sex is just a relic of the past.“I don’t need to blackmail women for sex, I can pay for sex, and let me tell you, the women you pay to have sex with you are much better at sex than the ones you don’t pay to have sex with you. I need someone to hear me complain about work and to tell me which color tie is best to wear at my cousin’s wedding.” Strobe admitted that while blackmailing women for emotional intimacy might not be for everyone, it is his hope that more men just give it a try.

IT IS A RACE AND YOU’RE PROBABLY TOO LATE

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It turns out the old phrase “It’s not a race” is not true. The truth is, it is a race, and most likely you’re too late. That’s right, if you are 26 or older and are not married, engaged, have kids, or have a union job working at least 40 hours a week, you’re done for. That freelance job as a web designer at that startup doesn’t count slacker, nice try. The latest statistics from the K.U.J.B better know as the Keeping Up with the Joneses Bureau sheds some light on this issue. According to the bureau’s research 98% of people who reach their middle 20’s without accomplishing any of the aforementioned life goals turn out to be failures and all out waste to society, the other 2% end up dead. If you’re nearing the end of your early 20’s know there’s still hope, if you’re a luckless soul that’s past your early 20’s just stop reading this and tell your grandmother she’ll never have any great-grandchildren to play with, at least not any from you. The rest of you out there with some hope (25 and younger) don’t worry the folks at the bureau have some tips for getting your life back on track.

Marriage

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First things first. Get Married! Unless your gay and live in the South. If that’s the case, you can still get married but just know some people won’t be too psyched about it. The person you marry isn’t really important. The important thing is that you get married. Marriage keeps America strong, and it turns out marriage is the backbone of the American economy, because is built on divorce lawyers. If your 25 and 26 is slapping you on the back of the neck, bypass the marriage step. Planning weddings take time and that’s something you don’t have the luxury of having. Proceed directly to tip #2.

Kids

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Have kids! That’s right, get someone pregnant as quickly as you can, or if you’re a woman get yourself pregnant as quick as you can. Even if you turn 26 sans child, as long as you have a bun in the over, it counts; sort of like in College Football where you don’t have to have 2 feet inbound to complete a catch, you can get away with just one, same idea; remember this is about getting the respect of society, without a spouse or child you simply have no credibility and no shot at being a decent human being. Tip # 3 is really important.

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Becoming gainfully employed is crucial in your attempt to gain self-worth. Only 40 hour a week union jobs with benefits count. If your current job has the title “Freelance” in it, quit immediately and get a job working in the Civil Service industry. If you live in the Northeast, your local department of sanitation should do fine. If you are located outside the Northeast, a job at your local electricity or water department will be more than adequate. I know working part-time for that new social media company is exciting and enriching, but it doesn’t live up to you friend’s and family’s expectations of you, and in the end isn’t that all that matters?

So there you have it. The Apostle Paul wrote in 2nd Timothy “I have fought the good fight; I have finished the race” That quote proves that life is a race and you better keep up or get off the track.

Playboy To Stop Showing Nudes Ahead Of Hillary Clinton Pictorial

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Los Angeles-Playboy shocked the world on Monday with the announcement that nude women will no longer be featured in its world-famous men’s magazine. Playboy will focus on an article driven PG-13 approach which has been used by other men’s magazines. This announcement could not come at a worse time for Hillary Clinton, the 2016 Presidential candidate’s nude pictorial was set to be released later this month. “Simply devastated” was the phrase used by Clinton spokesperson Sara Walsh to describe the mood of the staff after the bombshell was dropped. “We were all set for this. It was going to happen, then it didn’t. Where do we go from here?” Playboy, who has been loosing magazine subscribers for years and all the while starved for publicity was taking a chance allowing a 67 year-old Hillary Clinton to graces its pages in a nude spread. Playboy photographer Curtis Wright, the man who shot Clinton’s pictorial reflected on the experience. “It’s not every day you get to work with someone with the resume of a Hillary Clinton. First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State. Most of the girls I shoot are secretaries of Dental offices, so this was really a step up.” Wright would go on and speak about Clinton’s professionalism during the shoot. “Hillary is a pro’s pro. She knows her angles, and how to Contour her body in just the right way for the pose. It was also the first time I didn’t have a boner during a shoot which was refreshing.” Wright would go on to say that working with the former New York Senator made him realize why he feel in love with photography in the first place. Secretary Clinton is said to be taking this setback in stride. The Former First Lady said that the untouched photos will not go by the wayside, instead they will be used as an incentive prize for would be campaign donors.

MANS SELF WORTH ENTIRELY DEPENDENT ON TEAMS PERFORMANCE

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New York- John Regan of Rego Park Queens had a really good day Sunday. Regan who is an avid sports fan follows the New York Jets and the New York Mets who both won on Sunday. For most people this would not be that big of deal, but for Regan it is a big deal, it’s a big deal because his entire sense of self-worth is dependent on the performance of his favorite sports team. Regan who is a high school Physical Education teacher spoke on personal effect sports has on him. “What can I say? I love my teams. I played both baseball and football in high school. I wasn’t any good at them but I played nonetheless. After my sports career ended in 12th grade, I transitioned to watching sports competitively.” According to Regan his emotional state at any given moment can be tied to how good or bad his teams are performing. “I really feel like a worthless piece of shit when my teams lose. I have a great wife, two great daughters and I’m the first person in my family to graduate college, but when my team looses, that all goes out the window.” Regan went through what a typical sports day is like for him and his family “Yeah, if both my Jets and Mets are losing it’s not a fun time at my house. First I start off light, I’ll get passive aggressive, say my wife ask if I want another Michelob Ultra when the Jets are down in the 3rd quarter, I’ll answer ‘Do I?’ Same thing with the Mets. Say they’re down by 2 or more runs past the 7th inning and my wife ask if she should warm up food, my go to is something like ‘Well I like warm food so what do you think?’ If they’re losing to a division rival then I would probably just call her a dumb bitch. The C word is reserved for playoff time only” Regan assured us that things are going great at home now due to the fact that his New York Jets have a 3-1 record to start the season and his New York Mets won their 90th game this Sunday; peace currently reigns over the Regan house. It is worth mentioning that the New York Mets won the National League East Division Championship and will be in the MLB playoffs which means the C word is officially on the table at the Regan residence. When Regan’s wife Carla was asked if it’s hard to deal with such high emotional stress she said “At least he’s not a basketball fan.” Her optimism is nothing short of inspiring.