Cecil The Lion Is Dead But Tony The Giraffes Killer Remains At Large

New Jersey- With much of the worlds attention focusing on the brutal killing of famed Cecil the Lion, a blind eye continues to be turned to the person or persons who killed Tony the Giraffe who was the beloved star of Six Flags Great Adventure safari. Tony was senselessly killed last May when an unknown motorist ran directly into the left shinbone of the Giraffe. The motorist fled from the scene. The shinbone is the most important bone in the Giraffe’s Skeletal system according to veterinarians. It’s where the animals staggering height derives from said one expert. Tony’s wound became infected and he died two weeks later from his injuries. During those two weeks vigils were held for the recovery of the beloved Giraffe. The news shocked many including Former ‘Late Show’ Host David Letterman.Letterman  bid a tearful farewell to Tony during his final episode in May, but it was cut from the broadcast due to time restraints. New Jersey Governor and Presidential candidate Chris Christie is shocked that the National media has turned a blind eye to the catastrophe that has occurred in his state. Christie has vowed to go on hunger strike until progress is made on the case, albeit a modified hunger strike, Christie says that he will be skipping his second dinner until justice is served.

Scientist Finally Figure Out Who Politicians Are Pointing At

  

Harvard University- Scientists from Harvard University School of research, has solved an age-old question. Who are politicians pointing at during rallies? Most Americans are familiar with politicians pointing during their entrances and exits. For years people were baffled. Today the question has been answered. Scientists have found out that they are pointing at one man. 76-year-old Stan Meltz of Effort Pennsylvania. Meltz is a political rally enthusiast and has been going to rallies since they became popular in the Mid 70’s Meltz still remembers the first time he ever pointed at a politician. It was during the 1976 Presidential campaign, Meltz went to a rally for then Georgia Governor Jimmy Carter. “I went to the rally in ’76, and when Carter came out, I just had the urge to point at him. He saw me and pointed back. That’s how it all started. Meltz would go on to say that the gesture from Carter made him “Feel important” Meltz was moved by the experience he went to a rally for President Ford later that month and for Meltz Lightning struck twice. “I was riding pretty high at the time coming off the Carter point, but I didn’t think President Ford would ever point at me but I was wrong. After Pearl Bailey introduced the President he came out, and I pointed, and he pointed back!” This sent Meltz on what would become his life’s purpose. He quit his job and hit the road. Meltz turned pointed at politicians his job. He went to every political rally there was. Presidential, Congressional, even city council. Meltz funds his travels by posing as a homeless man asking for money for food in every town he travels to. “The Point” as it’s known in the political world has changed the game. Laws have even been passed to ensure that Meltz is always on hand. Pointers Law which passed in 1992 requires every political rally to be held at least 8 hours apart, so Meltz has time to get to the next rally. “Pointers law has really helped me. The politicians all look forward to seeing me and pointing at me I would hate to not be there for them” Meltz was asked which party does he support Democrat or Republican “I’m not even registered to vote” was Meltz’s response.

Congress Considers New National Anthem

Washington- Congress has dealt with many serious issues over the last few years but none more serious than the current Bill congress is currently debating. Since 1931 The Star Spangled Banner” has been the National Anthem of the United States, but many feel 15 years into the 21st Century it’s finally time for a new song to represent the land of the free. Freedom is a big part of American story so why not pick a song that deals with the opposite of that virtue some ask, that’s where “Criminal” by Fiona Apple comes in. Congressman Jeff Barker said “We want to show people and especially newcomers to this country what happens if you break the laws of our land, what would you feel like? A Criminal that’s what” What song better expresses that sentiment than the 1997 pop Ballard. The lyrics are haunting and truly express how the US felt after breaking away from Great Britain said congresswoman Sarah Sharpe. Here are the lyrics in question “I’ve been a bad, bad girl…I’ve been careless with a delicate man…And it’s a sad, sad world…When a girl will break a boy Just because she can” “Truly haunting” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. Not everyone in Congress is happy about the choice of song. Florida Congressman Ben Lawson is one of the opponents of the song becoming the new National Anthem “Don’t get me wrong it’s a great song, but it’s just not right for the National Anthem. We need an Anthem that is easy for someone to sing at baseball game. I’m not sure many performers have the soulful range to do Ms. Apple Justice.” As a compromise Lawson has proposed two suitable replacement songs, “America the Beautiful” or The “Thong Song” by Sisqó.

Cubans Excited for Embassy But More Excited For Starbucks

Havana- President Obama shocked millions in the US and Cuba when he announced that the U.S. Embassy in Cuba would reopen within the next month. This bridge to normal Cuban-U. S. relations is something that people in Havana have been waiting decades for. However, there is something Cubans have wanted more than diplomatic ties; Starbucks Coffee. The American coffee giant has gained many fans worldwide but none more fervent than the Cubans. It had been a mystery how Cubans even found out about Starbucks, but it looks like the information came from none other than Cuban President Raúl Castro. On a diplomatic trip to Canada 3 years ago the Cuban leader was treated to an Iced Espresso Caramel Macchiato Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. After tasting the drink, Castro was quoted as telling Harper “If I have ever truly experienced joy in my life it is at this moment. What is this enchanting Ambrosia of the Gods?”Harper said, “It’s from America, it’s Starbucks.” After that encounter, President Castro made Starbucks references in all of his speeches and public addresses. Jose Lopez, a Cuban cigar factory worker, told us about his intrigue with Starbucks. “When our beloved President came back from Canada he was a changed man. We all wondered what has happened to our leader. There was only one word on his lips ‘Macchiato’ we were all confused. What is this Macchiato? Is it a new Japanese car? When we finally found out it was like a dream” Lopez later went on to say that Cubans knew about Coffee, they also knew about Ice, but Ice and coffee together were thought to be only some that existed in fantasy which seems to be the general consensus on the Island. Democracy if excellent but Iced Coffee is better.

LeBron James Agrees To Play With Every NBA Team This Season

NBA star LeBron James has been at the center of numerous Free Agency rumors since opting out of his contract last month with most experts agreeing that the former MVP will re-sign with Hometown Cleveland. However, that notion was put to rest today when James announced that he would not only play for Cleveland he will play for every NBA team. This unprecedented move has been called everything from foolish to enterprising. NBA commissioner Adam Silver is elated over James Decision. In a statement released last night, Silver stated “I am overjoyed that LeBron James will play for all 30 NBA teams this upcoming season. This innovative approach to free agency will propel the NBA to be the sports league of the future.” Many analysts seemed puzzled over how this could play out, but the President of NBA Logistics Jim Charles shed some much-needed light on how James will successfully achieve this. “It all boils down to Simple math.

There are 82 games in a season and 30 teams. 82 divided by 30 is 2.7 so James will play 2.7 games with each team.”James will play two full games with each team then be available to play 34 out of 48 minutes of a 3rd game before moving on to his next team.” King James expressed his excitement over his decision to reporters. “I am very happy to be a member of the Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Charlotte Hornets, Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Pistons ,Golden State Warriors, Houston Rockets, Indiana Pacers LA Clippers, LA Lakers, Memphis Grizzlies, Miami Heat, Milwaukee Bucks, Minnesota Timberwolves, Brooklyn Nets, New Orleans Pelicans ,New York Knicks, Oklahoma City Thunder, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76Sixers, Phoenix Suns, Portland Trail Blazers, Sacramento Kings,San Antonio Spurs Toronto Raptors,Utah Jazz,Washington Wizards and my hometown Cleveland Cavaliers!” James went on to say “It’s every mans dream to play for an NBA team. It’s every indecisive man’s dream to play for every NBA team, and now that dream has become a reality” As far as the postseason, James has the option to play with any playoff team he likes he can even make a new team composed of any 12 players James choice. As per NBA regulations, this new LeBron super team would represent the city of Sioux City Iowa.

Presidential Approval Rating To Now Be Measured By Gold Stickers

WASHINGTON – The Department of Ratings Tabulation has finally approved a long-awaited reform to the Presidential Approval Rating system. Approval Ratings have been tabulated in percentage of randomly polled people. Starting next week that will change, for the first time in US history, Presidential Approval Ratings will be measured by Gold Stickers. The same way Merit is measured by in Elementary school is now the way Presidential Approval Ratings will be measured. This has been something that many have lobbied for including former President George W. Bush. The Former Commander-in-Chief said in a statement “Today is a glorious day. Our democracy has become one step closer to being more accessible to the everyday American, now The President is held to the same standard as kids in grade school and I think that’s important” The new system for the first time offers an incentive for high praise. If a President gets a total of 60 or more gold stickers in any economic quarter, then a Pizza party will be held in the Oval Office in that Presidents honor. Officials say that the President will be allowed to invite 15 friends to the party including cabinet members. The level of excitement can be felt all around Washington as the Presidential race heats up. Republican Presidential candidate Jeb Bush was among those excited. At a rally he was quoted as saying “When my brother left office his approval rating was 34% and that made him sad, if it were 34 gold stickers that would have made him happy. My brother loves stickers”

Trump Outraged To Find New Mexico Actually A U.S. State

Embattled Presidential candidate Donald Trump was dealt a sobering blow today when he found out that “New Mexico is actually a US State. In a statement a somber Trump said “How could this happen? It’s bad enough we’re letting them into our country we are now letting them become states?” According to one close Trump Sources the controversial billionaire, he always thought New Mexico was part of Mexico. “Like Cancun, he thought it just a place where Americans go to get drunk and pretend they’re rich, we all did.” Trump vowed that he would right this egregious wrong when he is elected President. The Former reality TV show star said that New Mexico will have a new name under a Trump administration. While Trump did not say officially what he would rename the state those close to the Billionaire said “New Trump Taj Mahal Casino” is in the running, as Trump calls it. “A good American name.”

15 reasons the Critic was awesome (Funny or Die)

15 reasons the Critic was awesome (Funny or Die)

The critic was one of my favorite shows growing up. For the life of me I cannot understand why an 8 year old would love this show and find the humor amusing. Usually slapstick comedy is what the kids are craving at that age. My great grandmother always said that when a baby is born a “Soul” grabs on to them and that’s how they become how they are. She always said an old soul grabbed me. So I guess that answers the question of not only why I would like a show like this at 8 but why I would get it.    

 

Putting My time to better use

I have decided to start a blog. This is something that I should have done a long time ago. Facebook and Twitter are fine and dandy but a blog really lets you flesh out thoughts and ideas without being a annoying. The title of the blog stems from two things. 1. My love of Late night T.V. and 2. The fact that I am nocturnal. I am a lover of comedy and all things funny. I will try to be funny and witty on this blog but I make no promises. Enjoy!